Sorry about the absence, but we're back bitches! No better moment to come out of the woodwork than the afternoon of the NFL Draft....yawn.
I don't watch the draft simply because ESPN has the coverage. To me, the perfect draft coverage would consist of announcing the picks followed by Herm Edwards and "Jaws" explaining to pros and cons of the draft choice and how he helps their respective team. No more, no less.
Instead you got some penis hound in Mel Kiper screaming about how he wouldn't have made the pick and blah blah blah, the earth is going to blow up if Matthew Stafford doesn't go #1. Dude, you aren't a GM and you never will be. You are just some shitbag that had nothing better to do after college but study male college athletes. Not only are you a penis hound but you also take the role of gay priest. There is no doubt in my mind that somewhere along the way Todd McShitface interned for you, you fondled his genitalia while he was touching up his spray tan, and then he extorted you and ESPN. The product of all of this is now the demise of ESPN's draft coverage.
Craigslist: you said you would send cock pics - w4m __________________________________________________________________ Date: 2009-01-22, 5:07PM PST
We met at the furry convention. You said you would dress your little soldier up in a piggy costume and send it to me, along with the pics. I said I would put it on my toy, and take pics of my vagina eating the little piggy. You never sent it. I waited. What happened? I even shaved mine to look like a tiger. Grrrr!
The first shot is from Teddy Guzek a JV player for Broad Ripple High School in Indianapolis. The second video is Devin Harris's shot last night. My vote goes to Teddy, falling out of bounds with his back to the hoop.
NY Times: TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) -- A man held a woman captive in handcuffs and an adult diaper for three days while he read Bible passages to her, police said. Troy Brisport, 34, was charged with kidnapping and felonious assault. Bail was set Tuesday at $400,000. He picked up the woman Wednesday night in Detroit after she told him she had nowhere to stay, and brought her to his home in Toledo, about 55 miles away, police said.
Step aside Katie Holmes. Fuck you Jimmy Jackson. There's a new star in T-Town! You know we normally like to save the "real news" for true journalists like Bill O'Reilly, but as a former Toledoan I just had to give a shout-out to The Glass City on this one. This is classic stuff and I hope everyone back in the 419 is just swelling with pride right now. If Katie Couric doesn't lead off the CBS Evening News with this one tonight I have no idea what she's gonna talk about. The economy? I mean this is the kind of stuff that really makes me want to puff my chest out when people ask where I'm from. "So Mr. Higgins where you from?" "Oh you know, Troy Brisport's hometown. No big deal."
Well played Mr. Brisport. Well played.
(Special Thanks to Erik for the heads up on this one.)
So apparently this mornings practice rounds at the WGC Match Play Championship were a circus, Tiger is back baby! And coincidentally Mickelson was the only other golfer on the practice range when Tiger rolled in. I could imagine the exchange between the two players went something like this...
Phil: Hi Tiger. Man, it's really great to have you back on the tour. I really missed you, we all missed you! How is the knee feeling? Did you get the gift basket I sent you? Amy and I thought you and the family would enjoy it. Well, I gotta get back to practicing it's getting hot out and it's only 6:45am.
Tiger: Shut up Phil. Speaking of Amy, MJ told me she smoked his cigar a month or so after you won your first Masters.
Phil: Well I don't think that is accurate, in all the years I've known Amy she has never smoked cigars.
...Tiger walked away shaking his head.
Seriously though, Phil had this to say about the atmosphere early this morning...
"I came here for a Tuesday practice round, and as I'm walking to the range, I've never seen so many cameras and photographers and so forth, especially that early in the morning, waiting for Tiger to get there," said Phil Mickelson, who was the only other player warming up on the range when Woods arrived."
"It's amazing to me what he has done for our sport, and for us to have the most recognizable athlete in the world playing our sport is so fortunate for all of us. And we've all been able to benefit from it, and to have him back is awesome. We are going to have more of a challenge winning golf tournaments certainly, but also it will be rewarding if we're able to win those."
This is just Phil preparing himself for a 9 and 8 defeat to Tiger on Sunday. He pukes this garbage instead of saying something along the lines of, "Yeah it's great Tigers back, he does alot for the game. But I'm also glad he's back so we can go head to head on Sunday." Instead he just gives us some boring bullshit. Time to man up and quit being a pussy. I would have more respect for you if you did talk some shit but still got your ass beat.
The NBA needs to allow the D League ninjas to participate in the All-Star Dunk Contest. While Nate Robinson and Dwight Howard were performing at amateur hour James White was clearing for takeoff.
SPORTSbyBROOKS-During the Tour of California, Lance Armstrong was visited along the route by “Syringe Man,” who appears to be an Andy Richter lookalike dressed up like some sort of evil Charlie Brown. And I know what you’re thinking: There’s another cycling race other than the Tour de France? I just thought they all came out of the woodwork in July for that whole thing then just went back on the shelf the rest of the year.
First Livestrong gets his bike lifted from the back of a U-Haul and now this? Seriously, the sport of cycling comes in a close second to soccer as having the largest fan base that should be committed to state mental institutions. I'm glad Lance gave him a sweaty palm to the grill to send him tumbling into a snow bank.
It's Oscar night so you know what that means? Cue all the Hollywood freaks both past and present. If Heath Ledger doesn't win Best Supporting Actor for Dark Knight then the entire Academy can throw themselves off a cliff or go jump on the subway tracks, whichever you prefer.
In honor of the upcoming 2009 MLB Season I wanted to re-tell a tale that has been passed my way. I've heard this story from a few different individuals and I'm being completely honest when I say I have no idea whether this is true or not. The story involves Cal Ripken, Ripken's wife Kelly, Kevin Costner, and the Baltimore power grid. It's been over a decade since the alledged incident occured so my apologies if my facts are a bit skewed.
Our story begins somewhere around the Baltimore Maryland area during the month of August, 1997. In the midst of chasing Lou Gehrig's hallowed MLB record of consecutive games played Cal Ripken signs up to play a round of golf in a local Celebrity Pro-AM. Upon arriving at the course Ripken is informed that his playing partner for the day will be Hollywood film star and avid baseball fan Kevin Costner. The two play their round and apparently have such an enjoyable time that the hospitable Ripken invites Costner to the family home for dinner that evening. The two dine with Ripken's wife Kelly and at the conclusion of the meal Ripken heads off to the ballpark for a night game against the Seattle Mariners leaving Costner and Kelly at home. Somewhere along the way to the ballpark Ripken realizes he'd forgotten his mitt and promptly returns home to retrieve it. Once home, Ripken walks in and is greeted with the pleasant image of Costner slamming his wife like she's Kelli McCarty. Obviously disturbed, Ripken phones the club to inform them that he will not be playing in that evening's game. Orioles owner Peter Angelos pleads with Ripken to play, reminding him that the streak he has worked so long for would be lost. Ripken maintains that he still won't play, he just caught his wife sleeping with Kevin Costner. Undaunted, Angelos concludes the conversation by telling Ripken not too worry, and that he would "take care of it." Mysteriously, the entire city of Baltimore experienced a power outtage that very same evening. It's pretty hard to play baseball when you can't see so the Umps decided it would be best to call the game. Whether the event was an act of God or contrived has yet to be verified. The one thing we can verify is that on September 20th 1998, Cal Ripken took the night off against the New York Yankees ending baseballs consecutive games played streak at 2,632.
Call me crazy but I want to believe stories like this are true. I want to believe that Wade Boggs drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross country road trip to Seattle. I want to believe that the night Phil Mickleson won his 1st Green Jacket he cheated on his wife Amy, and to get even she slept with Michael Jordan. I want to believe that the reason why we have to wait until the post season to see Harold Reynolds on TV now is because he and Bonnie Bernstein got loaded one night and had sex in the back of a car and Bonnie claims to have no recollection of the incident. In the real world things like this happen everyday (maybe not pounding 64 beers in 8hrs) but because the names of those involved aren't affiliated with film,TV,or sports they rarely raise an eyebrow. Thats part of the reason I want to believe these stories. That and the fact that they're just way too awesome to brush off as mere hearsay.
I've also heard Brett Bielema slept with Erin Andrews. And I'm believing that one too. If that's the case then there's hope for all of us.
University Park, PA: It has become a weekly tradition on Autumn Saturdays in Penn State's Beaver Stadium. Fans watch anxiously as the opposing quarterback drops back, looks to pass, and gets thrown to the turf for a sack. The Nittany Lions faithful know the drill. It's time to cue the music. Almost immedietly over 107,000 elated fans jump in unison as the techno hit "Zombie Nation" wails from the stadium jumbotron. However, if Goran Mippipopoulos and the rest of the European continent have their way the fans at Beaver Stadium won't be celebrating much longer.
In a class action lawsuit scheduled to be filed in a London district court on Monday, Mippipopoulos and some 731 million Europeans will sue Penn State University in an attempt to retain the exclusive rights to the song "Zombie Nation." If successful, "Zombie Nation" will join David Beckham as the second European import to defect from the United States in a matter of weeks. Citing "wreckless and immoral usage" Mippipopoulos, President of the organization Techno For A More Progressive Europe or TFAMPE, intends to question the university's moral objective for playing the song in hopes of returning the tune "back to where it rightfully belongs."
Written by German hit-machine Kernkraft 400 in the Spring of 1999, "Zombie Nation" was realized after group member Emanuel Guenther sought a way to put into song the emotions felt when simultaneously dancing and watching Braveheart. Soon after, the epic hit "Zombie Nation" was born. "We're angered. Techno is not just a form of music to Europeans, it is our lifeblood. The manner in which Penn State University has chosen to use the song is not only disrespectful, it is libelous. You don't hear Europeans running around singing "The Star Spangled Banner" after a goal. How these Americans think they have a right to use one of our national anthems in any way they choose is beyond comprehension" stated a clearly agitated Mippipopoulos.
Across the Atlantic however there seems to be little concern for the upcoming suit. When reached for comment Penn State University President Graham Spanier gave no indication that the university would be intimidated by those residing on the European continent when adding, "Not only is their claim ludicrous, we feel it really sets a poor example to the rest of the world. "Zombie Nation" is now and forever will be the worlds song. I don't recall the Baha Men taking such a selfish approach with "Who Let The Dogs Out" and obviously we've all benefitted from that. Heck, we gave Iraq democracy and they didn't even ask for it. Yet TFAMPE thinks it's fair to keep such a timeless piece of techno exclusively to themselves simply because it was written within their borders, well then they have to be out of their minds. We look forward to undressing the frivoloty of this lawsuit in court and ultimately to keeping the harmonies of "Zombie Nation" free-flowing in Beaver Stadium. "
In collegiate athletics schools everywhere have their traditions and Penn State University is no exception. In Madison Wisconsin fans like to "Jump Around." In Columbus, you can find Ohio State Buckeye fans rocking and rolling to The McCoys classic hit "Hang On Sloopy." But what the future holds for "Zombie Nation" in PSU's Beaver Stadium remains to be seen. The case is expected to be set for trial sometime during the Summer of 2009.
I know Mr. Higgins isn't going to be happy with this one but I'm not here to make friends and this isn't my first rodeo...
Two things jumped out at me when I saw this line. First, Illinois doesn't score points on the road, I would be very surprised if they topped 55. In Big 10 play they are averaging a shade over 56ppg and this game shouldn't be any different. The Buckeyes have also struggled a bit lately coming off consecutive road losses at Wisconsin and Northwestern. Each time the Buckeyes have lost back to back games this season they have come back home to win by an average of 19 points. I'm not saying that's gonna happen but If OSU has any success on the offensive end this will be an easy 8-10 point victory.
Pick: Ohio State -2
Now lets hope we get Gus Johnson on the horn for this one.
So some political freelance asshole tried to get wise on UConn men's basketball coach Jim Calhoun in his postgame press conference and just gets owned. Let me make this perfectly clear, we are not affiliated with this cheese rifle and politics have no place here at The Scoop or at Coach Calhouns press conferences. I hope some shithoused frat boy tries to be a hero tonight and pisses on your typewriter. Do us all a favor and shut the fuck up!
Former Miss U.S.A. Kelli McCarty finally has her career headed down the right path with her newly released porn film "Faithless." I had the pleasure of viewing this video 13 or 14 times and demand she be nominated for an Oscar. After several years boucing around the soap opera D League she's officially gone mainstream. If you're a big fan of plot when it comes to porn then Faithless is sure to entertain. McCarty plays the victim of a broken marriage searching for sexual excitement. Along her journey she meets Johnny Longjohn to fulfill the voids in her life. Throughout the film the tension grows as her husband seems to always get in the way. In her first scene, which is with her husband, she is forced to perform certain "acts" on him and she really had me convinced she didn't want a piece of Elmos nose. Eventually she succombs to his advances. In the following scenes the viewer is presented with two random trists between her husband and a busted 50 year old milf proceded by Johnny Longjohn and a Latino hooker. Finally the film reaches it's climax when Ms. McCarty goes to visit Mr. Longjohn at his place of employment. Ironically it's an automobile scrap yard and Johnny just happens to be hard at work. McCarty plays it off as if she doesn't want the doughnut, but you know she does. Then at last, Johnny props McCarty up on a shiny new Infinity, keep in mind this is a junk yard, and goes to town on that roast beef sandwich. How does it all end? Guess you will just have to check it out. Vivid Video has created the site Kelliusa.com that is full of HD samples. Check it out, you won't be disappointed.
Indianapolis, IN: Step aside A-Rod it appears as though the NCAA has something it'd like to get off its chest. The steroid epidemic, which for the past several years has scarred professional sports and athletes alike, has apparently trickled down to the ranks of collegiate athletics. In a three year long investigation the NCAA Rules Committee has confirmed that multiple athletes at the Division 1 level have tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. The investigation, which tested anyone involved with athletics at the D1 level, will conclude today when NCAA President Myles Brand travels to the nations capital to testify before a congressional hearing committee.
Speaking to a throng of media outside NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis this morning Brand stated, "This is a sad day for the NCAA and collegiate athletics. I think I'm speaking on behalf of many of those involved with the investigation when I say that we never anticipated the type of results which we have received. We honestly felt that the signs just weren't there. To say that we are flabbergasted right now would be an understatement."
In a 1200 page affadavit that will be submitted today, Brand contends that of the 342 Division 1 institutions tested for performance enhancing substances over 140 individuals have been confirmed as testing "positive." Some notable names of mention include Michigan State Universitys "Sparty," Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis, "Purdue Pete," and Syracuse guard Eric Devendorf.
When questioned about their alledged involvement officials in East Lansing, MI admitted to suspecting something was amis in 2007 when "Sparty" had requested the University purchase a "large" size helmet. This was a significant departure from the size "small" he had adorned the past 50 years but since little else about the beloved mascot seemed out of the ordinary administrators at the time reserved judgement and complied with Mr. Sparty's request. Both "Sparty" and Michigan State athletic director Mark Hollis have declined comment.
Administrators at The University of Notre Dame however, appeared almost eager to approach the media after they superciliously shrugged off the Commitee's results and pointed to their coaches decided "schematic advantage" as enough evidence to disprove any wrongdoing. While an official close to Purdue University added, "Ultimately it is our hope that the commitee has confused steroids with alcohol. Until we find evidence to the contrary we will provide no further comment at this time"
Although mystified the NCAA continues to move forward with the their case in hopes that the results will deter any future attempt at "cheating." "We're still having a difficult time coming to grips with it. In many of the documented cases concerning professional athletes you can point to glaring statistical increases in their performance. However with the individuals we've sighted there doesn't seem to have been any significant impact in their respective athletic fields for some years now. Maybe they were using them wrong? I don't know. It just doesn't make sense." NCAA Vice President Kevin Lennon added.
Whatever the problem may be it is certain that these recent allegations will cause many to question which sports they can still consider sacred. Ultimately these revelations, if anything, may serve to offer support to youth league parents nationwide who find themselves paranoid about "the big kid" on the Little League team. After today they might not be so crazy after all.
Freep.com-Bellotti, the NCAA football rules committee chairman, said Wednesday officials should eject more players for flagrant personal fouls, and agreed to seek input on whether some celebration penalties should be live-ball penalties, which could result in losing points. Teams would not be penalized, Bellotti said, for a group celebration after the score because the NCAA wants to emphasize the team concept, not individuals.
It's good to see the NCAA has their priorities straight. Instead of restructuring the current post season format, they are looking at alternatives to double pump teams in the ass for a player that taunts. I think they have this one ass backwards. Penalize for group celebrations, not individuals. You wanna take points off the board because some jack rabbit just took one back 90 yards to the house? Just because he did back flips into the endzone the final 5 yards doesn't mean you should take 6 off the board, that is true talent right there! On the flip side, this rule might save Mark Manginos life.
Seriously, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State should be ashamed of themselves. When was the last time you saw this at Gallagher-Iba Arena? Alabama High School hoops is where it's at!
See if you can count how many dudes come running out of the stands with one hand holding up their pants while the other is trying to knock someone out.
Tonight we focus on a couple of mid major teams out of the Missouri Valley Conference as UNI 18-8 (12-3) welcomes Drake 15-12 (6-9) to the Mcleod Center in Cedar Falls, IA. UNI has struggled lately, losing 2 of 3 after stringing together 12 straight victories. Drake has yet to put together back to back conference victories since starting 3-0. They struggle on the road and have won twice in the last 30 days.
NIU is 10-4 ATS in their last 14 games and 4-2 ATS in their last 6 at home. Those 2 games they didn't cover at home came against Illinois State and Creighton, both tied for second in the MVC right behind UNI. In the 4 games they did cover it was by an average of 13ppg.
Drake is 1-5 ATS in their last 6 and just not playing great basketball. Not too much more to say about them.
Take NIU -8 for the win. I predict a 75-61 victory for NIU.
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