Europe To Sue Penn State: Wants "Zombie Nation" Back

University Park, PA: It has become a weekly tradition on Autumn Saturdays in Penn State's Beaver Stadium. Fans watch anxiously as the opposing quarterback drops back, looks to pass, and gets thrown to the turf for a sack. The Nittany Lions faithful know the drill. It's time to cue the music. Almost immedietly over 107,000 elated fans jump in unison as the techno hit "Zombie Nation" wails from the stadium jumbotron. However, if Goran Mippipopoulos and the rest of the European continent have their way the fans at Beaver Stadium won't be celebrating much longer.

In a class action lawsuit scheduled to be filed in a London district court on Monday, Mippipopoulos and some 731 million Europeans will sue Penn State University in an attempt to retain the exclusive rights to the song "Zombie Nation." If successful, "Zombie Nation" will join David Beckham as the second European import to defect from the United States in a matter of weeks. Citing "wreckless and immoral usage" Mippipopoulos, President of the organization Techno For A More Progressive Europe or TFAMPE, intends to question the university's moral objective for playing the song in hopes of returning the tune "back to where it rightfully belongs."

Written by German hit-machine Kernkraft 400 in the Spring of 1999, "Zombie Nation" was realized after group member Emanuel Guenther sought a way to put into song the emotions felt when simultaneously dancing and watching Braveheart. Soon after, the epic hit "Zombie Nation" was born. "We're angered. Techno is not just a form of music to Europeans, it is our lifeblood. The manner in which Penn State University has chosen to use the song is not only disrespectful, it is libelous. You don't hear Europeans running around singing "The Star Spangled Banner" after a goal. How these Americans think they have a right to use one of our national anthems in any way they choose is beyond comprehension" stated a clearly agitated Mippipopoulos.

Across the Atlantic however there seems to be little concern for the upcoming suit. When reached for comment Penn State University President Graham Spanier gave no indication that the university would be intimidated by those residing on the European continent when adding, "Not only is their claim ludicrous, we feel it really sets a poor example to the rest of the world. "Zombie Nation" is now and forever will be the worlds song. I don't recall the Baha Men taking such a selfish approach with "Who Let The Dogs Out" and obviously we've all benefitted from that. Heck, we gave Iraq democracy and they didn't even ask for it. Yet TFAMPE thinks it's fair to keep such a timeless piece of techno exclusively to themselves simply because it was written within their borders, well then they have to be out of their minds. We look forward to undressing the frivoloty of this lawsuit in court and ultimately to keeping the harmonies of "Zombie Nation" free-flowing in Beaver Stadium. "

In collegiate athletics schools everywhere have their traditions and Penn State University is no exception. In Madison Wisconsin fans like to "Jump Around." In Columbus, you can find Ohio State Buckeye fans rocking and rolling to The McCoys classic hit "Hang On Sloopy." But what the future holds for "Zombie Nation" in PSU's Beaver Stadium remains to be seen. The case is expected to be set for trial sometime during the Summer of 2009.

NCAA Inquiry Links MSU's "Sparty" To Steroid Use: "Purdue Pete" Also Implicated

Indianapolis, IN: Step aside A-Rod it appears as though the NCAA has something it'd like to get off its chest. The steroid epidemic, which for the past several years has scarred professional sports and athletes alike, has apparently trickled down to the ranks of collegiate athletics. In a three year long investigation the NCAA Rules Committee has confirmed that multiple athletes at the Division 1 level have tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. The investigation, which tested anyone involved with athletics at the D1 level, will conclude today when NCAA President Myles Brand travels to the nations capital to testify before a congressional hearing committee.

Speaking to a throng of media outside NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis this morning Brand stated, "This is a sad day for the NCAA and collegiate athletics. I think I'm speaking on behalf of many of those involved with the investigation when I say that we never anticipated the type of results which we have received. We honestly felt that the signs just weren't there. To say that we are flabbergasted right now would be an understatement."

In a 1200 page affadavit that will be submitted today, Brand contends that of the 342 Division 1 institutions tested for performance enhancing substances over 140 individuals have been confirmed as testing "positive." Some notable names of mention include Michigan State Universitys "Sparty," Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis, "Purdue Pete," and Syracuse guard Eric Devendorf.

When questioned about their alledged involvement officials in East Lansing, MI admitted to suspecting something was amis in 2007 when "Sparty" had requested the University purchase a "large" size helmet. This was a significant departure from the size "small" he had adorned the past 50 years but since little else about the beloved mascot seemed out of the ordinary administrators at the time reserved judgement and complied with Mr. Sparty's request. Both "Sparty" and Michigan State athletic director Mark Hollis have declined comment.

Administrators at The University of Notre Dame however, appeared almost eager to approach the media after they superciliously shrugged off the Commitee's results and pointed to their coaches decided "schematic advantage" as enough evidence to disprove any wrongdoing. While an official close to Purdue University added, "Ultimately it is our hope that the commitee has confused steroids with alcohol. Until we find evidence to the contrary we will provide no further comment at this time"

Although mystified the NCAA continues to move forward with the their case in hopes that the results will deter any future attempt at "cheating." "We're still having a difficult time coming to grips with it. In many of the documented cases concerning professional athletes you can point to glaring statistical increases in their performance. However with the individuals we've sighted there doesn't seem to have been any significant impact in their respective athletic fields for some years now. Maybe they were using them wrong? I don't know. It just doesn't make sense." NCAA Vice President Kevin Lennon added.

Whatever the problem may be it is certain that these recent allegations will cause many to question which sports they can still consider sacred. Ultimately these revelations, if anything, may serve to offer support to youth league parents nationwide who find themselves paranoid about "the big kid" on the Little League team. After today they might not be so crazy after all.

Landry To Forego NBA: Sign Deal With LensCrafters

Madison,WI: NBA riches aren't always a sure thing. Just ask Korleone Young. For many seniors and underclassman the decision to roll the dice and enter themselves into the NBA draft poses a difficult and uncertain risk. However, when the curtain falls on the 2009 college basketball season this April the decision for Marcus Landry should be an easy one. Faced with similar uncertainty regarding his draft status Landry was offered an unconventional endorsement deal with national eyewear retailer LensCrafters.

Therefore its expected that at the conclusion of the 2009 season Landry, a senior forward at The University of Wisconsin, will announce the deal which will make him the LensCrafters spokesman through 2020. Terms of the deal have not yet been disclosed. In a statement released through the university on Tuesday Landry commented, "Growing up it was difficult knowing that I couldn't see as far as the other kids. I'd be lying if I said the insults didn't occasionally affect me. Thankfully the generosity of LensCrafters has afforded me the opportunity to parlay my genetic shortcomings into a lucrative and stable career. And for that I am extremely grateful."

For the less fortunate however, the decision whether or not to declare still looms. And the clock is ticking. The 2009 NBA draft is scheduled to take place in Madison Square Garden on June 25th.

Michigan Schedules Week 1 Bye In Hopes Of Ending Season Opening Losing Streak Once And For All

Ann Arbor, MI: When the college football season kicks off this upcoming September a suddenly all too familiar groan will be absent from The Big House in Ann Arbor, Michigan. In a bold move, athletic director Bill Martin announced today that the University of Michigan will be abandoning their customary week 1 scheduling protocol of playing Non-BCS/FCS teams in favor of sitting at home and watching everyone else play on TV. The decision comes on the heels of two consecutive season opening losses where the heavily favored Wolverine football program found themselves upended by opponents scheduled "for entertainment purposes only."

Said Martin, "We needed a tourniquet. There was a time when we were accustomed to seeing our national championship hopes dashed on that last Saturday in November. Lately that hasn't been the case. To lose in the Big House during week one of the season is not only inexcusable; it's embarrassing. And in this economy I just don't see the logic in paying someone $775,000 to come into our house and kick our ass." Head coach Rich Rodriguez apparently has also indicated his support for the move but was unavailable when reached for comment.

When asked his thoughts on the decision incumbent quarterback Steven Threet added, "I think it makes sense. It's like slow playing a hand in poker. The more teams that lose before we do, the better chance we have of making it into the Top 25."

Whether or not the decision will pay dividends for the program remains to be seen. However there is one thing that is for certain. When the clocks tick down to zero on that first football saturday in September there will still be room for optimism in Ann Arbor.