Lights Out: The Tale Of Cal, Costner, and the Baltimore Power Grid

In honor of the upcoming 2009 MLB Season I wanted to re-tell a tale that has been passed my way. I've heard this story from a few different individuals and I'm being completely honest when I say I have no idea whether this is true or not. The story involves Cal Ripken, Ripken's wife Kelly, Kevin Costner, and the Baltimore power grid. It's been over a decade since the alledged incident occured so my apologies if my facts are a bit skewed.

Our story begins somewhere around the Baltimore Maryland area during the month of August, 1997. In the midst of chasing Lou Gehrig's hallowed MLB record of consecutive games played Cal Ripken signs up to play a round of golf in a local Celebrity Pro-AM. Upon arriving at the course Ripken is informed that his playing partner for the day will be Hollywood film star and avid baseball fan Kevin Costner. The two play their round and apparently have such an enjoyable time that the hospitable Ripken invites Costner to the family home for dinner that evening. The two dine with Ripken's wife Kelly and at the conclusion of the meal Ripken heads off to the ballpark for a night game against the Seattle Mariners leaving Costner and Kelly at home. Somewhere along the way to the ballpark Ripken realizes he'd forgotten his mitt and promptly returns home to retrieve it. Once home, Ripken walks in and is greeted with the pleasant image of Costner slamming his wife like she's Kelli McCarty. Obviously disturbed, Ripken phones the club to inform them that he will not be playing in that evening's game. Orioles owner Peter Angelos pleads with Ripken to play, reminding him that the streak he has worked so long for would be lost. Ripken maintains that he still won't play, he just caught his wife sleeping with Kevin Costner. Undaunted, Angelos concludes the conversation by telling Ripken not too worry, and that he would "take care of it." Mysteriously, the entire city of Baltimore experienced a power outtage that very same evening. It's pretty hard to play baseball when you can't see so the Umps decided it would be best to call the game. Whether the event was an act of God or contrived has yet to be verified. The one thing we can verify is that on September 20th 1998, Cal Ripken took the night off against the New York Yankees ending baseballs consecutive games played streak at 2,632.

Call me crazy but I want to believe stories like this are true. I want to believe that Wade Boggs drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross country road trip to Seattle. I want to believe that the night Phil Mickleson won his 1st Green Jacket he cheated on his wife Amy, and to get even she slept with Michael Jordan. I want to believe that the reason why we have to wait until the post season to see Harold Reynolds on TV now is because he and Bonnie Bernstein got loaded one night and had sex in the back of a car and Bonnie claims to have no recollection of the incident. In the real world things like this happen everyday (maybe not pounding 64 beers in 8hrs) but because the names of those involved aren't affiliated with film,TV,or sports they rarely raise an eyebrow. Thats part of the reason I want to believe these stories. That and the fact that they're just way too awesome to brush off as mere hearsay.

I've also heard Brett Bielema slept with Erin Andrews. And I'm believing that one too. If that's the case then there's hope for all of us.

Phil Mickelson and Dale Earnhardt Jr. Should be Best Friends

Can someone please explain to me what the infatuation is with these two losers in their respective sports? Phil has proven time and time again that he chokes down the stretch and manages to make the impossible, possible. Don't agree? How about his peformance on 18 at Winged Foot or his disaster on 13 at Torrey Pines last season. Same can be said for Jr. who again managed to be penalized for pit stop infractions and consequently put him a lap down. As if that wasn't enough, he caused the caution flag that would ultimately decide the final order of the race when the rains came, nice one Dale.

It should be assumed that success breeds popularity when you scan the worlds most beloved athletes, yet Phil and Jr. aint that great compared to their peers. Mickelson does have 34 Tour victories which is 13th all-time and 3 major championships. These numbers represent a hall of fame career in the world of golf, yet they could be better if Lefty would sack up one time and knock off the "I'm just happy to be in contention" bullshit. Are you happy with losing? No wonder your wife cheats on you. Get a new wardrobe, slim down a bit, quit being so fucking happy to be there, and don't show your face on Entourage every again. You ruined my Sunday evening with that cameo, I wonder who Amy had to suck off to get you that appearence. Or maybe Tiger couldn't do it because he was hanging out with MJ in Dubai?

Now lets focus on Dale Jr. Dude, I get it, your dad was the greatest driver of all time and had brass balls. He was a closer and got the job done. You on the other hand are mediocre at best. Your 17 Nextel Cup victories ranks you 40th all time and you have yet to win a Cup Championship. You, like Phil, let your peers consistently beat your ass. Jimmie Johnson and Tony Stewart both double you in Nextel Cup victories and each own 2 Cup Championships. I know everyone loves you and alot of people hate Tony Stewart but when the sun sets, I would rather be in the winners circle chugging milk and making it rain Pepsi all over the pit crew.

I think these two suffer from the Brett Favre Syndrome. They really aren't that great, have a couple of big wins, and the media prematurely ejaculates when covering them.